Thou shalt not take the name of Ad-nai thy G-d in vain without the express written consent of Ad-nai thy G-d. In case of renewed fighting, Clinton guaranteed a room at the Gaza Hilton until Hillary cools down. ] [ You like to receive credit for your work, and so do we. So, I'm afraid if you didn't go before you came then you're not going to enjoy yourself very much, but then, I believe that's the general idea. Ah, yes, I must remember - I've got some strips to tear off you bastards later. But their cousin Bruce's Bar Mitzvah was a must or Mama Teitlebaum would never forgive them. " boasted the proud mama, "Epstein works only in halvah! So, his mother tells me he wants RAM for his computer as a gift.For one entire day every week you cannot be reached by phone, cellular, pager or E-mail Top Ten Sayings of Biblical Mothers Samson! 4 And one day Pharaoh's daughter found a basket containing a child among the reeds of the river. 5 And the Lord said to Larry, "Now, what is that in your hand? 9 And Moses pulled the staff from his nose, and Larry said, "I didn't mean it, Moses! " 10 And Moses said, "Of course you didn't", and hit him on the head with the staff. The freshly polished limosines are all lined up to take the guests to the synagog. There is another Bar Mitzvah ahead of us." A Lunar Bar Mitzvah A rich man wanted the most spectacular Bar Mitzvah ever for his son. So he started by informing Arafat & Nitanyahu that they would be calling others by first names. '" The Butler's Mistake This Jewish couple won million on the lottery. Baseball in the Bible Baseball is talked about a great deal in the Bible: In the big inning G-d created the Heavens and the Earth. The Americans agreed, stating they wanted an IDF General to teach tactics, an armor General to teach desert warfare, and a Mossad General to teach espionage. The Rav whispers to the nearest man Yaakov, "Please get three chairs for my reform friends in the back." Yaakov is hard of hearing so he leaned closer and said, "I beg your pardon Rav? " "Well," asks the caterer, "is there anything in particular that your son really likes? The Israeli Ambassador replies, "Sir the Ten Commandments say 'Thou Shall Not Murder'." The Swede responds "I am sure it is kill". It was Moses who led the Jews out of slavery in Egypt and into the desert where he gave them the Ten Commandments. " -- is no longer in effect.) Extremely Reform Jews maintain that they were not really "Commandments" at all but just "Suggestions," and that Moses looked very dehydrated when he delivered them. I am the L-rd thy G-d and thou shalt have not too many other gods besides me. Some of you will spend a decade in heaven and we're having some angels down here. Extremely Reform Charitable Organizations: The Extremely Reform Boy Scouts of America (No camping required) The Extremely Reform Anti-Defamation League (Deals with very mild ethnic slurs) The Law of Conservation of Jewish Behavior: This Extremely Reform principle, adapted from Newtonian physics, provides that "for each and every Jewish act, there is an equal and opposite non-Jewish act." Thus, if you do a small kindness for someone less fortunate than you, you are permitted to eat a shrimp cocktail. When it came time to hand out the gifts, to the young lad, he received the usual Kiddush Cup, and Bible, from the congregation. He said, "You have received many gifts today, many treasures of judiasm in book form, that will enrich your life, and make it, holy, in the eyes of Hashem..now for my own special gift to you", with that he pulled out an UMBRELLA, from behind the lecturn, and told the boy, who had become a man, in the previous half hour, "I present you this umbrella, because, I WANT TO GIVE YOU A GIFT THAT AT LEAST I KNOW YOU WILL OPEN! A friend of mine says, "a shofar, what will a 13 year-old do with that? Get him a fountain pen, or an id bracelet." So what do you think happens? The Swede asks him how the Israeli's can be so violent and aggressive when the Ten Commandments say "Thou Shall Not Kill". Any use of the name of Ad-nai thy G-d without the express written consent of Ad-nai thy G-d is unauthorized and illegal and shall be punished by Ad-nai thy G-d. Remember the Sabbath, thy squash game and thy other appointments. Alright now, one final thing - we're trying to implement some sort of exchange scheme with the God, or Cliff as we know him. in a trailer park tells The National Enquirer that he was abducted by aliens Extremely Reform Jews ask, "Do I really have to believe in G-d? Without G-d, your donations might not be tax deductible. " And pointing to a small round table topped with a life-sized sculpture of the Bar Mitzvah boy made of chopped liver, she asked, "And what do you think of the gorgeous statue of my Bruce? In a voice dripping with sarcasm, he snarled, "Why, I've never seen anything to equal it. He performed his Bar Mitzvah, and rose to the occasion as best he could, with the minimal lack of preparation. Keeping somewhat with the ram theme, I decide to get him a shofar.